I Am The Emperor of America (in exile)

"On September 17, 1859, businessman Joshua Norton crowned himself Emperor of the United States. He quicky issued an edict that dissolved the US Congress, citing its fraud and corruption, and later abolished the Republican and Democratic parties. He created his own money to pay his debts, and called for the creation of a League of Nations decades before that institution came into being. When he died after a 21 year reign, 30,000 people attended his funeral. I urge you to take up his mantle, MercerMachine. May he (and I) inspire you to declare yourself protector and guide of a domain that desperately needs more of your leadership. May you rule with a velvet glove, not an iron hand, dispensing witty wisdom as you promote your vison of utopia."

-God, speaking between the lines of the week of Nov. 11 free will astrology column

When God talks, MercerMachine listens. So without further ado:

To the Citizens of the United States of America and the World at Large:

Be it known that, in accordance with Divine Will and the Will of The People, I MercerMachine, formerly of San Antonio, Texas and parts North and East thereof, and now currently residing in the Republic of Singapore, do hereby declare and proclaim myself the Emperor of America (in exile) on this day, November 12, 2005.

The United States of America, having been bereft of true and rightful leadership since the death of Emperor Joshua Norton on January 8, 1880, has since seen a horrid decline in ethics, morality, and common sense. It is not without reservation that I take up the heavy burden ceded by Emperor Norton upon his death, as I know the struggle to bring the United States back from its nadir of idiocy will be a lifelong one; one that will utterly tax my wit, wisdom, and senses of humor and proportion. Nevertheless, the spectres of bungled History and the ghosts of mangled Futures, not to mention God and the People, demand that I assume my rightful position. I bow to Fate.

As my first Imperial Decree, I renew the call made by the late Emperor Norton for Congress to disband; further, I renew the call for the Republican and Democratic parties to disband. Congress, having been gathering in an unlawful manner for no less than 145 years, and the Republican and Democratic parties, having been gathering in an unlawful manner for no less than 136 years, shall immediately cease and desist. Or else.

Further, it is hereby lawfully proclaimed that all members of the (illegal) Republican Party, humorlesly known as the Grand Old Party as well as every (illegal) Democratic member of (illegal) Congress who voted (illegally) to go to war in Iraq, shall be sentenced to six months hard labor for every American death in Iraq (not to run concurently), and further, shall pay restitution of $10,000 for every Iraqi civilian death since the inception of the (illegal) war.

Finally, I, MercerMachine, your lawful Emperor (in exile), call upon every loyal American Citizen to distrubute and make generally known my will, decrees and commands to all those in breach of these and any other decrees that I, your lawful Emperor, may make in future. Let ignorance of the law be no excuse!

Signed with all humility,

MercerMachine I,
Emperor of America (in exile)
Protector and Guide of the 50 United States