Dear Aliens,

Please don't visit our planet, however the likes of NASA plead, beg or cajole. We are, as a species, utter twats. We wouldn't know what to do with any advanced scientific knowledge you might be able to offer us. We can't even manage to put people whose homes were destroyed by hurricanes in a place safe from hurricanes, much less do things like, oh, end poverty, war, disease or Bill o'Reilly's 'career'.

In short, dear aliens, stay as far away from us as you possibly can. Whatever it is that has turned us into idiots barely able to find our own assholes with two hands and a flashlight may be catching, and then you too might end up with leaders like this. Twice.

When we call, just pretend you can't hear us, ok? And if we ever manage to colonize another planet, you may want to think about clearing out of this arm of the galaxy entirely. I guarantee property values will plummet.

Of course, I am the exception that proves the rule. I've never done a dumbass thing in my life. Oh, wait, yes I have. Lots of times. But nobody ever paid me to be the leader of the free world or the director of a national emergency agency either.

So maybe one favor, dear aliens? Could you maybe point some sort of ultra-high tech device at Washington, D.C. and demand that all Republicans and (Joe Lieberman) resign immediately or be turned into blobs of snot or something? And you could just turn everybody at Fox into blobs of snot, no warning necessary.

Thanks, love ya,

MercerMachine