Things to do on your last day at work

• Amble in an hour late. Offer boss a muffin from BreadTalk.

Surf.

Wander the office chatting with soon-to-be ex coworkers, making sure they are, if not non-productive, at least less productive.

Give away all your magazines. They’re too heavy to cart home and you’ll never re-read them anyway.

Surf.

Grasp the tip of your tongue with thumb and forefinger and say ‘I was born on a pirate ship’ three times.

Go to lunch an hour early.

‘Liberate’ office supplies. After all, you were forced to buy your own stapler, staples, paper clips, ruler, scissors and pencil sharpener when you started.

Surf.

Craft a cheerful, slightly cheeky ‘permanently out of office’ auto-reply email.

Erase all emails that haven’t already been forwarded to someone else for follow-up, including the ones you’ve been saving for months ‘just in case’ even though the company has only given you six (six!) megs of memory for your emails, and that after you complained bitterly about having only three (three!) megs.

Surf.

Slip out the door an hour early, avoiding heartfelt goodbyes, or worse, the lack of them.

That’s my plan, and I’m sticking with it.